Spencereads

The Gifts of Imperfection

Notes

worthiness
  • unconditional: imperfect but enough and worthy of love
  • worthy now: it has no prerequisites
  • lives inside our story: alienating parts of ourselves that don’t fit the “perfect” self = stand outside of our story & leads to proving, performing, pleasing
courage & vulnerability
  • courage = allowing & exposing vulnerability
  • e.g. admit ignorance, get feelings hurt, let yourself be open to criticism
  • trauma → less safety to be vulnerable
    • trauma includes: neglect, poverty, dehumanization (phobias, biases)
boundaries & compassion
  • compassion: between equals, not healer & wounded
  • boundary/accountability
    • accountability = expectation + CONSEQUENCE of not meeting them
    • no boundaries
      • you bear the consequences → feel mistreated → attack who they are
      • less compassionate towards mistakes: judgmental on the inside
      • not following through: sweet on the outside
    • boundary-conscious:
      • separates people from their behaviors
      • kinder for understanding their struggles & sees them as evolving
      • follow through with consequences firmly = requests taken more seriously
love & belonging
  • love defined
    • not a thing we give/get, but an action we do, a connection we nurture & grow
    • only exist between people when it exists within each one of them
    • can only love others as much as we love ourselves
    • e.g. cannot love others more than you love yourself: ^b732f7
  • belonging defined
    • desire to be part of something bigger than us
    • only exist when we present authentic, imperfect selves: belonging VS fitting in
    • sense of belonging can only be as much as self-acceptance
  • they are irreducible needs
    • innate, primal yearning: biologically wired to love / be loved / to belong, absence leads to suffering
    • self-love & self-acceptance are prerequisites to love & belonging
    • not optional, but are priorities
practice ≥ knowledge
  • for all the guidepost nouns
  • having access to more info ≠ having an attitude ≠ behavior
    • self: kindness towards ourselves, not just discovering who we are
    • others: actions that comes with accountability & responsibility, not just feelings & words
  • gets better at it, but never perfect
  • conscious choice in every moment, not a thing we have forever
confront negativity
  • fearing/avoiding/catastrophizing more painful (easier talking honestly about them)
  • shame
    • believing one is flawed and thus unworthy
    • fear of authentic self to not be liked by others (both strength and flaws)
    • highly correlated with aggression, depression, addiction
    • zoom lens: all we see are flaws, feeling alone
    • VS guilt: believing one has failed to do something (about identity VS behavior)
  • respond to shame by
    • cultivating awareness for physical symptoms (heart racing, feeling hot) to get deliberate in response
    • thrives in secret, reduced when verbalized (tell your story to own it rather than let it own you)
    • reality-check: not alone
  • reactions to others’ shame stories
    • sympathy (sorry for you), not empathy (I get it)
    • judgement (should and shouldn’t)
    • disappointment
    • blame (discharging comfort)
    • minimize & avoid
    • competing (that’s nothing compare to…)
    • advice-giving (instinct to fix)
  • hearing shame story = privilege, earned right (not meant for everyone)
1 authenticity VS what others think
  • definition: practice of embracing “am”, letting go “supposed to be”
  • authenticity = belief in self-worth ≠ approval = hustling for worthiness (anxiety, resentment, grief) ^15389f
    • authenticity as goal & doesn’t work out: may get hurt, but no regrets
    • approval as goal & doesn’t work out: shame, not worthy
  • it is a risk
    • cruelty (even untrue criticism) always hurts, so it takes courage
    • full immunity to hurt = ineffective at connecting (cannot selectively numb emotions)
    • even greater risk: hiding ourselves
2 self-compassion VS perfectionism
  • perfectionism = belief that being “perfect” minimizes pain of judgement & shame
    • about earning approval, other-focused
    • raised being praised for achievement/performance (the harm of “positive thinking” ^66c016)
    • NOT about striving to be your best or healthy achievement (good-enoughism)
  • perfection is unattainable because it is other-defined & perceived and thus uncontrollable
  • vicious cycle ^aba971
    • when feeling judged, we blame ourselves for not being “perfect” enough
    • perfectionism increases the odds of feeling judged & shamed
    • the very thing it tries to achieve eludes (see other kinds: self-defeating cycles)
  • opportunities missed because of fear to put something imperfect out in the world
  • self-compassion = understanding towards oneself when suffering or feeling inadequate
    • slow to judge and criticize themselves and others
    • not ignoring pain
    • balanced approach to negative emotions, neither suppressing nor exaggerating (over-identify) mindfulness
    • deliberation in all actions
3 hope & resilience VS numbing & powerlessness
  • hope
    • definition: combination of
      • setting realistic goals
      • perseverance to pursue them (resilience: can tolerate disappointment & try again)
      • believe in ourselves
      • NOT an emotion—warm feeling of optimism, but an ability that can be learned
    • brave the hard work
      • hopeful = putting value on effort & persistence, It’s tough but I can do it”
      • “It’s supposed to be fun, fast, and easy; I’m bad at it / it’s not worth it” sets up for powerlessness
      • careful not: ONLY hard and slow = important = should involve pain
    • numbing
      • avoidance would not make emotions disappear, fester instead, also numbs what’s positive
      • feel, stay evenly mindful, practice self-compassion
4 gratitude & joy VS scarcity
  • happiness VS pleasure
    • happiness: lasting, cognitive, internal, tied to gratitude
    • pleasure: momentary, sensory, external, tied to circumstance
    • neither is constant
  • reactions to happiness
    • chasing extraordinary moments → miss out on joyful ordinary ones
    • scarcity
      • “not allowing myself to feel happy because I know it won’t last”
      • trying to be invulnerable
      • antitote: sufficiency isn’t an amount
    • fear of loss
      • “foreboding joy”: compulsive need to rehearse tragedy
      • belief that we suffer less by imagining loss before it comes
      • antitote: gratitude
  • gratitude brings joy, not the other way around
    • how: journaling, affirmation, verbalization
5 intuition VS need for assurance
  • intuition IS reasoning: rapid, unconscious, associative
  • when knowing by instinct
    • asking for opinions = don’t trust our own knowing
    • need for assurance & sharing the blame
  • when feeling you don’t know enough
    • charging headlong into decisions
    • want to get stressful decision-making over with
    • fear & avoiding learning more may ≠ what we want
6 creativity VS comparison
  • comparison is about conformity
    • always against the best of our group
    • fit in and stand out: be just like everyone else, but better
    • not authenticity and belonging
  • creativity is unique and cannot be compared
    • not just art, but any form of making
  • no non-creative people, only people who don’t use theirs
7 play VS productivity
  • exhaustion as status symbol, productivity as self-worth
  • play
    • apparently purposeless, play for the sake of play
    • not optional: psychological need for play ≈ biological need for rest
    • not the opposite to work, but to depression
  • worthiness tied to accomplishments
8 calm VS anxiety
  • calmness = bringing perspective & feel feelings without heightened reactions
  • stillness = clearing an active space to feel & think ≠ nothingness
  • responses to anxiety: over-functioning/under-functioning ≠ who we are
9 meaningful work VS “supposed to” & doubt
  • meaningful work: complexity, autonomy, effort-reward
    • squandering gift brings distress (unexpressed ideas & contributions eat away at worthiness)
    • takes commitment, because ≠ pay the bills
    • unique to each of us
  • NOT defined by what “the world” needs, but by what makes you come alive
  • self-doubt = not believing we’re XX enough to be called a XX
10 let loose VS be cool (basically the authenticity guidepost)
  • dancing
    • full-body vulnerability
    • wired to be pulled toward rhythm & movement ≠ certain KINDS of dance
  • betrayal: value being cool over unleashing the passionate expressions of who we are
  • self-permit freedom ↔︎ tolerate that in others

Select Quotes

10th Anniversary Note From Brené

when you read a book, you walk away with certain takeaways that are thematically linked. In most books, these takeaways don’t occur sequentially. An alternative index is based on ideas that are important to you—not just keywords—so a personalized index allows you to find and document the patterns that create personal meaning and understanding. – Page 12

Beautiful language (borrowed this one from Maria): Don’t understand—need to learn more: FD (stands for family dinner—something I want to discuss as a family): Had no idea: More books to read: Organizational culture change: Quotes: RHR (this stands for rabbit hole research—it’s my way of saying I want to look at original source material): Share with Steve: SO HARD: – Page 12

When you’re done, you have new information and a blueprint of how to integrate it into your life. – Page 13

The greatest casualty of trauma—the thing that trauma often takes away from us—is the emotional, and sometimes even physical, safety that is necessary for us to be vulnerable. I’ve seen this in my work with the military, veterans, and survivors. And, in addition to the trauma of violence, neglect and poverty are trauma. Dehumanization—the core of racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and all systemic forms of oppression and/ or bias—is a form of daily trauma. – Page 14

Preface

How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a wholehearted life: loving ourselves. Knowledge is important, but only if we’re being kind and gentle with ourselves as we work to discover who we are. – Page 20

Introduction: Wholehearted Living

It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging. – Page 25

When they’re exhausted and overwhelmed, they get DELIBERATE in their thoughts and behaviors through prayer, meditation, or simply setting their intentions; INSPIRED to make new and different choices; GOING. They take action. – Page 28

“If you need to refuel and losing yourself online is fun and relaxing, then do it. If not, do something deliberately relaxing. Find something inspiring to do rather than something soul-sucking. Then, last but not least, get up and do it!” I closed my laptop, said a little prayer to remind myself to be self-compassionate, and watched a movie on Netflix that I’d been dying to see. It was exactly what I needed. It wasn’t the old Dig Deep—the pushing through. I didn’t force myself to start working or to do something productive. Rather, I prayerfully, intentionally, and thoughtfully did something restorative. – Page 29

Courage, Compassion, And Connection: The Gifts Of Imperfection

Trying to co-opt or win over someone like that guy is always a mistake, because it means trading in your authenticity for approval. You stop believing in your worthiness and start hustling for it. – Page 34

When the shame winds are whipping all around me, it’s almost impossible to hold on to any perspective or to recall anything good about myself. I went right into the bad self-talk of God, I’m such an idiot. Why did I do that? – Page 34

Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it—it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. – Page 35

We definitely want to avoid the following: – Page 35

Because shame is visceral and contagious, we can feel it for other people. This person immediately needs to discharge the discomfort and vulnerability of the situation by blaming and scolding. – Page 36

Heroics is often about putting our life on the line. Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. – Page 40

We see it when people reach out for help, like I did with Ashley. I see it in my classroom when a student raises their hand and says, “I’m completely lost. I have no idea what you’re talking about.” – Page 40

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. – Page 44

“What do you mean by accountable?” I explained, “After you check with them to make sure they understand your expectations and the objectives, how do you explain the consequences of not following the plan or not meeting the objectives?” He said, “I don’t talk about the consequences. They know they’re supposed to follow the protocol.” I gave him an example. “Okay. What would happen if you told them that you were going to write them up or give them an official warning the next time they violated protocol and that if it continues, they’re going to lose their jobs?” – Page 46

Additionally, if we don’t follow through with appropriate consequences, people learn to dismiss our requests—even if they sound like threats or ultimatums. – Page 46

The key is to separate people from their behaviors—to address what they’re doing, not who they are – Page 47

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice. – Page 47

Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help. – Page 49

I understand how I derived self-worth from never needing help and always offering it. – Page 50

I gained permission to fall apart and be imperfect, and they could share their strength and incredible wisdom with me. If connection is the energy that surges between people, we have to remember that those surges must travel in both directions. – Page 50

Exploring The Power Of Love, Belonging, And Being Enough

When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness—the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. – Page 51

fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are. – Page 53

After collecting thousands of stories, I’m willing to call this a fact: A deep sense of love and belonging is an irreducible human need from the moment we’re born until the day we die. We are biologically, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick. – Page 54

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. – Page 55

Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. – Page 55

Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance. – Page 55

Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves. – Page 56

To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.—BELL HOOKS1 – Page 56

I don’t just want someone who says they love me; I want someone who practices that love for me every day.” – Page 57

cultivating self-love and self-acceptance is not optional. They aren’t endeavors that I can look into if and when I have some spare time. They are priorities. – Page 57

They believe their children are lovable, but they believe they are unlovable. On the surface, one might say, yes, some of them love their children more than themselves. However, does loving your children mean that you are not intentionally poisoning them the way you poison yourself? Perhaps our issues are like secondhand smoke. At first, it was thought to be not so dangerous and by smoking we were only hurting ourselves. Yet [we have] come to find out, years later, secondhand smoke can be very deadly. – Page 58

The Things That Get In The Way

I’ve never seen any evidence of “how-to” working without talking about the things that get in the way. – Page 64

In a very powerful way, owning this story allowed me to claim who I am as a researcher and to establish my voice. – Page 65

We need to see that standing on the shore and catastrophizing about what could happen if we talked honestly about our fears is actually more painful than grabbing the hand of a trusted companion and crossing the swamp. – Page 66

We have more access to information, more books, and more good science—why are we struggling like never before? Because we don’t talk about the things that get in the way of doing what we know is best for us, our children, our families, our organizations, and our communities. – Page 67

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. – Page 69

We’re afraid that people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are, where we come from, what we believe, how much we’re struggling, or, believe it or not, how wonderful we are when soaring (sometimes it’s just as hard to own our strengths as our struggles). – Page 69

Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad. – Page 72

Doesn’t shame keep us in line? – Page 72

Full of shame or the fear of shame, we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviors and to attack or shame others. In fact, shame is highly correlated with violence, aggression, depression, addiction, eating disorders, and bullying. Children who use more shame self-talk (I am bad) versus guilt self-talk (I did something bad) struggle mightily with issues of self-worth and self-loathing. Using shame to parent teaches children that they are not inherently worthy of love. – Page 72

“I’m thinking that crying and getting my feelings hurt would be the brave option for me.” – Page 75

Laura’s courage is acknowledging hurt without running from it, – Page 75

Did the shame come from feeling like you were being criticized for a bad picture, or were you ashamed because you’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open rather than closed and protected, and someone hurt you? – Page 77

I didn’t feel traumatized. Or found out. Or exposed. I felt liberated. The story I needed to own in order to access my worthiness was not a story of a rookie photographer struggling with criticism over a photograph. It was the story of a pretty serious person being fun and spontaneous and goofy and imperfect and having someone poke at that vulnerability. – Page 77

we have to figure out the real story! – Page 77

The easiest way to know shame is to cultivate an awareness of our physical shame symptoms. – Page 78

Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?” – Page 79

Guidepost #1: Cultivating Authenticity: Letting Go Of What People Think

like many desirable ways of being, authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice—a conscious choice of how we want to live. – Page 81

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are. – Page 82

As we struggle to be authentic and brave, it’s important to remember that cruelty always hurts, even if the criticisms are untrue. – Page 85

The problem is that when we don’t care at all what people think and we’re immune to hurt, we’re also ineffective at connecting. Courage is telling our story, not being immune to criticism. Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection. – Page 85

But I believe there’s even more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world. Our unexpressed ideas, opinions, and contributions don’t just go away. They are likely to fester and eat away at our worthiness. I think we should be born with a warning label similar to the ones that come on cigarette packages: Caution: If you trade in your authenticity for being liked, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief. – Page 86

If authenticity is my goal and I keep it real, I never regret it. I might get my feelings hurt, but I rarely feel shame. When acceptance or approval becomes my goal, and it doesn’t work out, that can trigger shame for me: “I’m not good enough.” – Page 87

Guidepost #2: Cultivating Self-Compassion: Letting Go Of Perfectionism

As a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring good-enoughist, – Page 89

Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. – Page 89

it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight. It’s stopping us from being seen. – Page 89

Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. – Page 89

Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think? – Page 89

Life-paralysis refers to all of the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. – Page 90

there is no way to control perception, regardless of how much time and energy we spend trying. – Page 90

Perfectionism actually increases the odds that we’ll experience these painful emotions and often leads to self-blame. – Page 90

First, they spoke about their imperfections in a tender and honest way, and without shame and fear. Second, they were slow to judge themselves and others. They appeared to operate from a place of “We’re all doing the best we can.” – Page 92

MINDFULNESS: Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity. – Page 93

Guidepost #3: Cultivating A Resilient Spirit: Letting Go Of Numbing And Powerlessness

She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the whole beautiful.—TERRI ST. CLOUD, WWW.BONESIGHARTS.COM1 – Page 97

Like most people, I always thought of hope as an emotion—like a warm feeling of optimism and possibility. I was wrong. – Page 100

hope happens when We have the ability to set realistic goals (I know where I want to go). We are able to figure out how to achieve those goals, including the ability to stay flexible and develop alternative routes (I know how to get there, I’m persistent, and I can tolerate disappointment and try again). We believe in ourselves (I can do this!). So, hope is a combination of setting goals, having the tenacity and perseverance to pursue them, and believing in our own abilities. And, if that’s not news enough, here’s something else: Hope is learned! – Page 100

I found in my research that participants who self-report as hopeful put considerable value on persistence and hard work. The new cultural belief that everything should be fun, fast, and easy is inconsistent with hopeful thinking. It also sets us up for hopelessness. When we experience something that is difficult and requires significant time and effort, we are quick to think, This is supposed to be easy; it’s not worth the effort, or, This should be easier: it’s only hard and slow because I’m not good at it. Hopeful self-talk sounds more like, This is tough, but I can do it. – Page 101

On the other hand, for those of us who have the tendency to believe that everything worthwhile should involve pain and suffering (like yours truly), I’ve also learned that never fun, fast, and easy is as detrimental to hope as always fun, fast, and easy. – Page 101

Tolerance for disappointment, determination, and a belief in self are the heart of hope. – Page 101

Shame works like the zoom lens on a camera. When we are feeling shame, the camera is zoomed in tight and all we see is our flawed selves, alone and struggling. – Page 103

Rather than thinking, I’m the only one, we start thinking, I can’t believe it! You too? I’m normal? I thought it was just me! Once we start to see the big picture, we are better able to reality-check our shame triggers and the messages and expectations that we’re never good enough. – Page 104

This is a note for testing and I want to say that I’ve got nothing else to say

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