— Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends and Colleagues
Select Quotes
1: Seeking Exceptional
Too often, we edit what we disclose out of fear of being poorly judged.
Challenging someone can actually be a powerful way of supporting them, and yet few people feel confident they can do it well. Someone with whom you have an exceptional relationship calls you on behaviors that really bother them, and when they do, you know it’s a chance for learning, not something against which you have to put up your guard. They know that in helping you understand the impact of your behavior, they are showing commitment to your relationship and helping you grow.
We firmly believe that the best way to learn to be more interpersonally effective is to engage with others in real situations and in real time rather than through lectures, readings, case studies, or, yes, even a book. While Connect covers everything that we teach during class, you will need to use the relationships in your life as your laboratory to get the maximum benefit.
Experts have come to recognize that interpersonal/ soft skills are fundamental to professional success.
You won’t develop them with everybody. That isn’t possible, because these deep connections require a great deal of effort. What’s more, it’s not necessary.
We aren’t promising you the “five easy steps to deep connections” because such steps don’t exist. One size does not fit all.
2: A World-Class Course, One Chapter At A Time
the only mistake is refusing to learn from our mistakes. The latter reframes problems as learning opportunities.
All relationships vary, but most develop in a similar pattern. They often start with a common interest, like music or hiking. At other times, people might have complementary interests—one likes to make plans and initiate activities, while the other finds it a chore.
Obligations and expectations build, as do potential points of contention. How will you deal with inevitable annoyances? If you can face and resolve them well, the relationship becomes even stronger.
As you negotiate your evolving relationship, you each learn how to influence the other. You build interdependence that makes it easy to ask for help when you need it and to turn it down when it’s not useful.
When the going gets tough, there’s a temptation to say, “I can’t. That’s not me.” True, that may not be you now, but can it never be you? Perhaps it’s not you yet,
select four or five relationships—with family, friends, or work colleagues—that you would like to significantly deepen.
Our students are required to keep a journal throughout the course, and while many of them hate it at the time, most thank us afterward!
Part I: Getting To The Meadow
3: To Share, Or Not To Share
There’s an old adage: “To know all is to forgive all.” If someone knew all the circumstances that led you to behave a certain way, they would be more likely to forgive what might initially seem egregious.
The important distinction is between cognitions (thoughts), which tell what is, and emotions (feelings), which tell how important it is.
Sharing both sides of the quandary allows a fuller expression of the issues. The other learns more about not only what’s important to you but also what is blocking you.
sad.” You can also try a simple substitution. If you can replace “feel” or “feel like” with “think” and the sentence still makes sense, then you haven’t expressed an emotion.
“I feel irritated and dismissed” is a statement about me whereas “I feel that you don’t care” is an accusation that is likely to cause defensiveness.
If you have disclosed something (even if it is very personal) multiple times in similar settings and you have a pretty good sense of how others are going to react, even if it’s negatively, you’ll feel far less vulnerable than if you are sharing something you have never said to anyone. David knew his students felt the most vulnerable when they didn’t know whether they would be accepted or rejected, praised or pitied. That kind of vulnerability brought others closer.
It takes fortitude and internal strength to self-disclose.
In the absence of data, people will make stuff up. Everybody draws conclusions when interacting with others. The less we reveal, the more others will fill in the blanks in order to make sense of what they see. When we are too reserved with our feelings, we actually lose control over how we are seen. A different kind of silence occurs when we only share an image of ourselves—in those cases, the other can’t see or know who we really are, including the parts that are more interesting. Even if we are successful in selling our image, this is a hollow victory. It just confirms that the real me is undesirable. Furthermore, as the noted French author François de La Rochefoucauld once said, “We’re so accustomed to disguising ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.” Just as bad, once we’ve come to be known a certain way, we often feel bound to behave consistently, becoming less and less truly known. The cost is more isolation and
4: Helping Others Be Known
you can empathize with someone’s feeling of sadness because you have felt sadness before, even if the situation they’re describing would not necessarily make you sad. We often have students say, “I have no idea why he’s so angry about this.” To which we reply, “That’s not the point. The point is that you know what anger feels like, so you can still empathize.”
Being curious is a lot more complicated than it seems. At one end of the continuum, you truly don’t understand something at all, and at the other end, you think you know all about it and are just asking questions to test your hypothesis. A problem with the latter is that you’re probably not genuinely curious. You’ve largely made up your mind and are “leading the witness” to prove your case. That stance is unlikely to encourage the other to be more open and revealing. The best way to make sure your curiosity is authentic is to hold the mindset that, in spite of how perceptive you think you might be and how well you think you know another person, you don’t actually know what’s going on for them.
Our eagerness to help often causes us to jump in with a solution that comes out of our own experience or doesn’t fit the situation. Rarely do we come up with an option the other person hasn’t already considered (and likely discarded).
People go to others for many reasons. Perhaps they want a chance to think out loud. Perhaps they simply want to vent and seek a sympathetic ear. Sometimes they just want support and empathy about an unfair situation, rather than help figuring out a solution. The listener needs to be clear about what the other person wants before they can fully understand how to be most helpful.
David’s solution may actually have been right—for David. But it could have been wrong for Jim.
another’s issues seem so much easier to solve than our own.
If, on the other hand, you sense they see you as an interesting specimen to examine under a microscope, you’ll be far less open. Even more so if you have no idea what they’re going to do with what they learn.
We’ve spent most of these last two chapters telling you about the benefits of increased self-disclosure, but Annie’s situation shows us that it can also lead to tricky or awkward situations. As relationships develop, people come to have growing expectations of each other. And while reaching out and responding to the other’s needs is an essential part of building a stronger relationship, setting boundaries is also crucial. Different boundaries might be needed at different points in a developing relationship.
5: Influence In Balance
studies show that dissatisfaction with marriage increases once a couple has children and only decreases after those children have left home.
Showing that you understand what the other is feeling is a form of giving someone what they need.
The second step in rebalancing, once you’ve clarified wants, is to reassess whatever arrangements you’ve made in the past. Agreements that feel right at one point in time don’t necessarily work as well later on.
Adam and Maddie colluded (unconsciously) in establishing a significant discrepancy between them.
The couple needed a meta-level discussion. By that we mean, “Can we talk about why we can’t talk?” They needed to temporarily set aside the content of their disagreement to discuss what was blocking their ability to communicate. To use an analogy, when you drive your car from home to work, your goal is to arrive at the office on time. But you also pay attention to how the car is operating.
If you don’t double down on commitment when conflicts arise, you are less likely to have a good outcome, which then makes it harder to commit further.
People give influence away all the time, often without realizing they are doing so. TEN WAYS YOU GIVE AWAY INFLUENCE Assuming that your needs are secondary to the other’s Not listening to your feelings Letting yourself be interrupted Backing down when someone disagrees with you Avoiding conflict—not disagreeing with the other, keeping things nice Not giving feedback, assuming the problem is probably yours Being concerned about being liked/ approved of and seeing that as most important Minimizing the importance of your comments Not taking credit for your accomplishments Not pointing out a problem unless you have a solution
6: Pinches And Crunches
it’s easier to raise problems before they develop into major conflicts.
When pinches are caught early, neither party is likely to be emotionally hooked.
People are often hesitant to raise pinches out of concern that doing so might make them seem thin-skinned and petty.
Many people are also hesitant to raise pinches out of concern that speaking up might make things worse.
“If a friend of yours felt pinched by a comment you made, would you want them to tell you?” Almost universally, the student says yes. We add, “So, if you want that, wouldn’t you want to do that for them when you’re pinched?”
A final reason we resist raising pinches early on is that we assume the other meant no harm. We think, If they didn’t mean to bother me, why should I be bothered? That rationalization may have worked the first time that Steven repeated Elena’s unacknowledged point, but it was still a rationalization. As we will explore in the next chapter, there’s a difference between another’s intent and the effect of their behavior. That Elena was bothered was true in and of itself—her feeling didn’t need a justification to exist. The likelihood that Steven didn’t mean anything by it could actually make it easier to raise the pinch.
Many pinches do go away, but ask yourself, Will this pinch linger? Connect to other issues? Trigger a major fight about missing milk rather than what’s really going on? Once a pinch grows this way, it threatens to become a crunch.
7: Why Feedback Is The Breakfast Of Champions
The first reality is Sanjay’s intent, which was that he wanted everybody to “take a team perspective.” That first area is what only Sanjay knows. This includes his needs, motives, emotions, and intentions. The second reality is his behavior, and that is the area they both see. It consists of Sanjay’s words, tone, gestures, facial expressions, and the like. The third reality is the impact of his behavior on Elena, and that’s the area in which Elena is an expert; it comprises her reactions (emotions and responses). Note that initially, each person can only know two of the three realities. Sanjay doesn’t know the impact of his behavior on Elena, and Elena doesn’t know his motives or intentions. If Elena sticks with her reality, she can raise issues in a direct, non-accusatory way that actually helps both of them understand what’s going on. She can point to the behavior and share her reactions to it. She doesn’t have to know Sanjay’s intentions. It’s when she moves beyond her reality and makes statements about Sanjay’s motives that her feedback becomes accusatory. In describing this model, we tell our students to imagine a tennis net between the first and second “realities”—that is, between intent and behavior. In tennis, you can’t play in the other’s court, and the same is true with feedback. You have to stay on your side of the net.
“Nick, that’s the third time you’ve picked the game and I don’t like that. I pick the next game or I’m not playing.” The younger one didn’t know enough to impute a motive (“ You want to control”) or label him (“ You’re being a bully”). Instead, she was very specific about what Nick was doing that she didn’t like and told him so.
Adults often fall into the trap of thinking that they know other people’s motives and intentions. But unless they’ve explicitly told us, what we surmise is only our hunch. Their intentions are their reality, not ours. Furthermore, it’s rare that the intentions themselves are the problem.
When she says, “I felt unappreciated when you didn’t mention my role in that decision,” Sanjay can’t say, “No you didn’t,” because he would then be on her side of the net.
That’s one reason the giver of feedback doesn’t need to figure out the other’s intentions: Sooner or later, the other person will tell you.
“negative feedback.” The two of us intensely dislike the term because we believe all behavioral feedback is positive. Even feedback on problematic behavior is positive, because behavior is something we can change, and feedback on it is an opportunity to improve. We prefer the word “affirmative” to describe feedback on behaviors you appreciate and want to convey as strengths, and “developmental” for feedback on behaviors that you find problematic.
In fact, it was Sanjay who shared why he acted as he did. Because she agreed with his goals, Elena could be an ally, not an adversary, and show him how his actions were interfering with achieving his objectives. She set up a win-win exchange. As we have mentioned in many cases, it isn’t a person’s objectives that are problematic but how they go about achieving them. That’s why feedback is a gift.
The feedback sandwich is often utilized because you’re concerned the recipient will feel totally rejected if you don’t throw in some positive reinforcement. But that misidentifies the problem. The difficulty is not that the feedback is harsh or negative but that it’s not behaviorally specific enough to be useful. It also contaminates affirmative feedback because it is seen as the ploy that it is—something intended not to provide a learning opportunity, but to manipulate.
“Wow, Sanjay, I’m trying not to be defensive because I don’t see myself as a judgmental person [reality #1]. But clearly, I’m doing something [reality #2] that’s giving you that impression [reality #3]. What am I doing?” She’s turned an accusation into a mutual learning experience.
Below are reasons you might have difficulty giving feedback. (Note that some of them overlap with ways we give away influence.) Which ones might be true of you? Not staying on your side of the net; making attributions of the other’s motives and intentions. Not identifying what you are feeling (especially vulnerable emotions like hurt, rejection, and sadness). Not conveying your intent in giving it. Giving feedback in too-general terms. For example, being indirect, being nonspecific about the actual behavior, or sugarcoating the impact so the receiver misses your point. Withholding/ downplaying feedback out of a need to be well thought of or respected. Needing to be liked, seen as a “nice person.” Wanting to please others. Worrying about being wrong or that the other will deny it. Thinking, It’s my problem, so I’m being selfish to impose it on someone else. Worrying that the relationship might be harmed or permanently disrupted; believing that harmony in a relationship depends upon the absence of conflict. Fearing of conflict. Not feeling sure you have the skills to manage it. Feeling discomfort with challenging or confronting—especially figures of authority. Being concerned about whether the other will retaliate or give you feedback. How hard is it for you to receive feedback, even if it’s behaviorally specific? Do you… become defensive, deny that it’s true, offer excuses, justify your behavior? jump to what the other does that causes the problem or retaliate by pointing out their faults? become so upset that you can’t take in the feedback, resulting in the other person’s backing down or feeling guilty for raising the issue? withdraw and distance yourself from the other person? pay lip service to accepting the feedback but not take it in?
8: Challenges In Using Feedback Effectively
“I SHOULDN’T FEEL [INSERT EMOTION]” Are there certain feelings that, almost irrespective of the situation, you think you shouldn’t have? “I shouldn’t feel envious or jealous.” “It’s bad to be angry at somebody.” “I’m really not hurt.”
“Your behavior is not meeting your goals.”
“You might be meeting your goals, but you’re paying some unnecessary costs.” When another person’s behavior bothers you, ask yourself, “Are they paying a cost as well?” “Leah, I also want efficient meetings, but when we’re rushed, the ideas we come up with aren’t as good.” You are supporting Leah on the primary goal but getting her attention by pointing out these undesirable consequences. “Am I doing anything that is causing your behavior?”
defensiveness is often a sign that there is a kernel of truth in the feedback,
9: Can People Really Change?
the conditions under which people are more likely to change: R < D × V × F. The R is for “resistance to change.” In order for change to happen, the product of the other three variables has to be larger than the resistance. The D stands for “dissatisfaction,” meaning you need to be aware of the cost of your present behavior. The V stands for “vision,” meaning you need to see the benefit of new behavior and believe that the result will be worth the effort, and the F stands for “first steps,” meaning you believe you can acquire new skills that make change easier.
There’s a big difference between personality and behavior. Personality is extremely difficult to change—if you’re an extrovert, you’re unlikely to become introverted no matter how hard you try. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on leaving more space for others to speak, which is a behavior. No one’s born with genes for being inconsiderate or self-centered. Is it really in Phil’s DNA that he so often defaults to giving advice? Um, we don’t think so. This isn’t to suggest that it’s easy to modify long-held habits. But it’s worth exploring why a behavior is so central to someone that they don’t seem able to change it.
he’s a doctor, an occupation where giving advice is not only routine but historically expected. The medical setting also stresses rationality, which requires keeping emotions in check.
But wasn’t she partially responsible for their impasse? Yes, she expressed her feelings (in words, tone, and nonverbal signals) and pointed out the problematic behaviors, but she did it by snapping at Phil rather than showing empathy and by providing detailed feedback that fully described the situation.
Maybe his admission “That’s hard for me” helped her realize that what she was asking was a major change in behavior for him.
Step back. Is there a barrier that needs to be confronted? As Rachel did on the hike with her father, put the first topic aside and look at how you are talking.
10: Own Your Emotions Or They Will Own You
We previously noted that anger is a second-order emotion and there are usually more vulnerable feelings beneath it. If either Mia or Aniyah were aware of this, could they have stopped to ask themselves, “What am I so upset about? What is making me so angry?” Then it might have been possible to follow up with, “I realize that the reason that I am so upset and angry is that I am also feeling [hurt/ discounted/ helpless, etc.].”
11: Breaking The Logjam
why do I have to say it?” “Because it would help,” Aniyah said. “I’m not a mind reader.
Aniyah’s question “Aren’t you concerned about our relationship, too?” started to break the logjam, as Mia was able to finally disclose her feelings.
If Mia had said, “You’re your own person and shouldn’t have been affected by my disparaging comments,” she would not have been owning the fact that they’re in a relationship with each other.
Even though conflict can feel stressful and even dangerous, it can actually be helpful. Conflict can surface issues in a very direct way. It can bring out emotions, indicating what’s really going on so you know where others stand. In Mia and Aniyah’s situation, where several incidents had built up, the conflict brought them all to light, where they could be dealt with. Their disagreement, as painful as it was, forced them to identify what really mattered most to each of them.
12: Using Conflict Productively
When two people avoid dealing with important issues, as Maddie and Adam did, they often get stuck and can’t move into productive problem-solving. Maddie faced two issues with Adam: The first was their differences regarding childcare, but the second, which blocked them from dealing with the first, was the power imbalance that caused Maddie to believe she couldn’t influence him.
“Don’t just do something; sit there.” In the Interpersonal Dynamics course, we say, “Trust the process.” That means, “At this moment, I may not know what’s really going on or what the solution is, but if we can hang in there in expressing our feelings, then it will become clearer and eventually work out.”
Part Ii: Tackling The Summit
15: Entangled Issues
“Well, you’ve been married for nearly twenty years,” Aniyah said. “It’s unrealistic to think it’s going to be like the first ten.
Perhaps you’re afraid of being laid off, and your best friend has just been fired. Or you just learned that your mother has a terminal illness, but your friend has suddenly lost a parent. Or you’re having a hard time adjusting to parenthood, but your friend hasn’t been able to get pregnant. It might be that the similarity allows the other to be especially empathetic and understanding, but they might find it traumatic. No matter how close the relationship, it’s legitimate to say, “I’m sorry; I really want to help, but this is just too painful for me.”
16: When Exceptional Isn’T In The Cards
Carol Dweck suggests that when identifying a present limitation, it is important to add the word “yet.” When a statement like “I can’t fully express all my needs with my significant other” gets a “yet” at the end, the meaning changes from hopelessness to possibility.