Select Quotes
3 Toad’S First Meeting With His Counsellor
We are all trying to help you, but it seems you won’t (or can’t, thought Mole perceptively) help yourself.
‘Counselling is always a voluntary process, both for the counsellor and for the client. That means we can only work together if you want to do this for your own sake and not just to please your friends.
4 Why Toad Feels So Depressed
Like many people, he had never consciously considered his own emotions in such a way that he could describe them to himself, let alone to anyone else. In fact, he had developed many behavioural strategies, albeit unconsciously to avoid the possibility of gaining self-knowledge.
5 The Next Meeting
Somehow, the way in which the Heron listened to him and prodded him with questions enabled him to bring all sorts of thoughts and feelings to consciousness. Gradually he was beginning to explore and examine aspects of himself of which previously he had been unaware.
6 Toad Explores His Childhood
‘You have the choice,’ said Heron very seriously. ‘Will you obey the voice of your dead father, or will you give yourself permission and take your own authority?’
He had always felt as if he would be punished if anyone knew he was angry. The result was that he swallowed his angry feelings and felt extremely guilty instead.
I would apologise in order to placate Father.’
I would like to add one further item to our list, if you agree.’ ‘What’s that?’ asked Toad. ‘Dependency,’
7 Toad Meets The Rebellious Child
he never listened. Like all angry people, he wanted to tell others what to do and then criticise them for their shortcomings.
this is just how some people learn to deal with their anger. They release it like a powerful jet of gas, directed at a chosen target, and then resume their normal behaviour.
What you and many other people have learnt, is how to be angry non-aggressively. You adopted ways of letting your anger out slowly and gently, almost imperceptibly, so as not to upset anyone.’
‘You said that these forms of non-aggressive anger were spread over time. A tantrum may not last very long,’ ‘That’s true,’ answered Heron, ‘although some tantrums can go on for a long time. Let’s think of a response that can last for hours and even days.’ ‘Like what?’ asked Toad. ‘How about sulking?’
9 After Badger’S Visit
‘Then I suppose I find myself guilty and condemn myself. Is that it?’ ‘There can be no stronger criticism than self-criticism. And no harsher judge than ourselves,’
11 Toad Meets The Adult
There are still times when I get those familiar feelings of sadness and worthlessness. They are still inside me somewhere, but they no longer take centre stage. I seem to be able to push them to one side, and I don’t feel so dominated by them.’
‘When you are in the Parent, you are essentially being either critical or nurturing. Either way, you are repeating in words or behaviour the beliefs and values you learnt from your parents. You want to demonstrate them and tell them to others. It is a state of certainty and so there can be no place for new knowledge or ideas. The old ones reign supreme. That is why no one ever changes their mind through an argument. They simply become more entrenched in their views.’
no one can force another person to be in their Adult State. You can only encourage them,
I don’t believe that anyone can make us feel anything, unless they use force and coercion. In the last analysis, we choose our own feelings. We choose to be angry or we choose to be sad.’
‘The choice is this: how much longer are you going to blame other people for your own unhappiness?’ ‘But you know the alternative,’ said Toad petulantly. ‘You want me to blame myself. And I won’t do it.’ ‘That is not the option I am suggesting at all,’ said Heron. ‘Blaming is done from the Child Ego State, which seems to be your favourite position.
‘Instead of blaming, how about taking responsibility?’
If you take responsibility for yourself, you realise that you can take your own authority. Consequently, you realise that you have the power to change your situation and, more importantly, change yourself.’
13 The Continuous Creation Of Toad’S Familiar World
It had been an enormous relief to tell another person about his experiences, without being laughed at or rejected.
He started to see trends in his behaviour and the ways in which one experience led to another. Previously, when he had recalled past events in his life, they had been isolated flashbacks with apparently little connection.
The idea of life as a stage was nothing new, but it was new to think that maybe he had a ‘life-script’ which he was acting out whenever possible. It was even more disturbing to think that maybe he unconsciously engineered situations to enable that script to be regularly used. Did that mean that, somewhere in his unconscious (he could use this word now without embarrassment), there may even be a ‘life-plot’ with a particular kind of ending and towards which unknown forces were driving him?
life positions. Once we decide on these attitudes as children, we hold on to them for the rest of our lives. They become the very fabric of our being. From then on, we construct a world which confirms and supports these beliefs and expectations. In other words, we make our life a self-fulfilling prophecy.’
14 Playing Games Or Winner Loses All
‘People who have low self-esteem usually feel that not only has life dealt them a poor hand, but it has also dealt other people a better one. In general terms, people in this position feel that they are life’s victims and so they play games which result in them being victimised.’
‘I’m So Unlucky,’
Poor Little Old Me
‘Love Me No Matter What I Do.
‘Suicide,
“Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch”.’
“Why Do You Always Let Me Down?”’
‘Murder,
‘They rarely, if ever, get depressed.’ ‘Why is that?’ asked Toad in some surprise. ‘Because anger is such a good defence against depressing thoughts,’ answered Heron. ‘Angry people never feel guilty, because they always blame others. They defend themselves by projecting their internal fears outwards on to others, so they can be angry with them instead of with themselves.’
15 The Final Session
I frequently felt dependent on you and I was always hoping that you would give me some wise words which would provide the answer.’ ‘And did I?’ asked Heron. ‘No, not really,’ Toad replied. ‘You have certainly taught me a lot and this has been very helpful, but you never gave me answers. What I now realise is that you were always trying to get me to answer my own questions, getting me into the Adult.’
‘Independency’, replied Heron, ‘implies a sort of pride in being yourself, with all your unique talents and differences, and a readiness to defend this new-found autonomy, like a nation gaining its freedom from a colonial past. And there is nothing wrong with that. But being interdependent suggests a maturity and self-acceptance, together with an acceptance of others in spite of their differences. Being interdependent allows you to relate effectively with others and cooperate with them,